zaterdag, april 28, 2007

Picknick and promise

I think the earth must have accidentally shifted or something because I haven't moved and I seem to live in warmer climates all of a sudden. It has been in the high twentieths the whole week now and it hasn't rained in 5 weeks now. Normally april in Holland is wet and I can remember occasions with aprilsnow.. really weird. It does sometimes feel like walking in a surreal painting though. There is just something off when you sweat in a summer top while looking at an appletree blossoming... Even weirder when you clearly remember that same appletree flowering around christmas.

Of course we did enjoy the weather we picnicked and walked barefoot and spent time on the vegetable plot. Isn't this a promising sight? (although of course this weather doesn't make maintaining one really easy).. We put out the clothesline too.. and just puttered around this week.. At ease whit our pace not top fretfully of work that had to be done..And then the phone rang with a little job and now I know why I quit again. Fun job no hassle and excellent pay. Letting go works for me it is just so freaking hard. Today I looked at that problem from a theological point of view. I''ll share in next post

dinsdag, april 24, 2007

more thinking

I’m in a weird state at the moment I have those days that I don’t do anything. I am ill too. I have an aching throat I have a headache I don’t want to eat I feel feverish but I don’t actually have a fever. Of course being ill is in my mind the only excuse not to do anything. It’s not that I never do nothing I do but I have so much guilt over it..

I am getting complicated aren’t I? I just am figuring out if it wouldn’t be wiser to accept that sometimes I have periods in which I am not so productive and maybe not the mom or partner I am at other times. Do I give myself the all clear for not making the house as pretty as I want, the business set upo as fast as I think it should and more things like that. Is it failing or is it just the way thinks work with me? Do I grow from this periods do I need them or is it just depression creeping in? Or fear an am I missing out if I don’t do certain things? Is it good for me or not?

It is a hard one for me because for me it is a whole new concept for me. I always just felt bad over these unproductive faces in my life. But that didn’t make them go away and there was lot of guilt coming from that path. Maybe it really is time to revisit my goals and work them out. My therapist sort of presented this option in our session yesterday and I feel the urge to go running towards her to ask is it ok? Is it ok? Which is funny because the whole thing is just about not thinking what other people would think or expect.

So I am not going to run to her I’ll tell you instead. It might not be crafting but I am improving! And that is hard work I tell you….

maandag, april 23, 2007


I think one of the reasons there is to the ‘long time in between posts’ is because there are no pictures or no good pictures. There are so many blogs out there that I adore that have the most perfect pictures everyday (taken in a clean house no less) that somewhere in my brain a rule appeared. One shall not post without pictures.

I am not a very visual person though. I love pictures, I love looking but words come first always. It is much more my natural environment. So I will end with lots of words that I don’t post because lack of pictures And then there are pictures and to much words or pictures and postst that don’t come together and then I give up because I can’t even follow the rules.

Never mind that the rule lives inside my head anyway. I do that a lot, make rules about how I should be and then feel sad and anxious for not being good enough. I am sure lots of you (ah trying to be optimistic here about who still reads this anyway) do this.

At the moment I am trying to sort out the rules in my head because pressure was getting the better of me and perhaps still is. Pressure put on me by me. That’s kind of stupid isn’t it? Yep that what my therapist said too (though she said it much nicer, I have a very nice therapists). So no promises today about scheduled planning. The plan now is bringing some joy back in my life and my blog. I like joy and I miss her! (If I happen to see her lurking around here somewhere I might even make a picture. No promises, just saying..)

maandag, april 16, 2007

Still adjusting

I can't believe it's almost two weeks again! So here some pictures of things I have done the last two weeks. It might be a while for I sew again because my machine broke down yet again..

The apron is the same pattern amy showed a while ago. The pattern I found here! The fabric for the pocket is Ot en Sien famous dutch childrens books from the times of my grandparents! The weather here has been absolutely crazy very very crazy. But i must say I really couldn't remember what the deal was with global warming for a little while yesterday, it just felt so good. Until I realised that if it is this temperature halfway april summer won't be fun anymore..

dinsdag, april 03, 2007

So there I was

without a dog and soon without a job in the dirtiest house I've ever lived (besides the one studenthouse that housed students and rats). It rocked my foundations more then I've ever expected. I was so sad and so hurt and so scared.. I've sobbed and sobbed. In a way it was good. I've always been a crier but after becoming a mom I stopped, I just couldn't cry anymore. But is does help me and So over a week later i am ready to start living again. Enjoy our family our home spring and venture out with my business.

It helps enormous to know that Nova has found herself a family where she is loved a lot and where she apparently wants to be she is so much more relaxed and behaved. But Oh it hurts we so wanted her to liver here for next 12+ years. It just didn't work..

And I am ready to craft again. And just at the right moment I found this patchwork book in the thriftshop. It is a weird book. The text is all about explaining traditional quilting but the actual quilts are art quilts form a 70's french quilting show. And I love them! Excuse the weird scanning it is a floppy book and I couldn't get it to angle right! In the middle of the night I knew what I wanted to make and I sketched right away in the bathrom. Here it is. Hope to share the finish product with you soon.