dinsdag, februari 14, 2006
Spt: My heart in my arms
I was around 14 hours into my new life as a mum when this picture was taken. It was made by a nicu-nurse with a polaroidcamera to take upstairs to my own bedroom to help pumping. My son was ill. Really really ill. He was a groaning sad little baby and nobody knew what was wrong with him. The moment this picture was taken was actually the first moment after the first hour of his live that I could look at him. I remember when they wheeled my bed through the hospital being so so afraid I wouldn't recognize him. Of course I did. I was in a bad shape too. I lost a lot of blood but was denied a blood transfusion the first couple of days because they thought I had enough left. I couldn't walk, wash myself, stand to look at my baby. My son was 5 days old when I finally got a chance to check he really was a boy. I remember seeing this picture the first time thinking my son looks dead in it and I look like a witch. I've got a bit of a pointy chin I know but surely that was not my nose. Actually this thought made me look up the picture for this theme. But it isn't the reason I chose it. Looking back at it I remembered how the hospitalstaff got all of me: My anger, my tears my despair, My pride My happiness. I don't think I've ever felt so emotionally naked as in those days. I knew that I wouldn't get any help at home (Normally in Holland you get a nurse in your home the first 8 days after birth) and I know I would need to be strong then so I decided that unlike the ladies around me I wouldn't try to keep emotions private in the hospital. I can so remember the nurses asking why do you cry!. Well 4 days postpartum and the doctors are worried about my son and I fainted under the shower? The weirdest thing is I never cried like that again. Not the big relieving sobbing. It scares my son and I quit it. Not intentionally I do miss it but somehow I can't get all of me out like that anymore.. All ended well. The blood got me back on my feet and the boy ended up being perfectly healthy!